There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
