Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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