Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
