Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
