mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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