What did we do last night that was yellow?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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