I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
