Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
