I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I have feelings that need drinking.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
