Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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