It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
