OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
