I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
