then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
sarcasm needs its own font
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
pray to the hookup gods
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
