I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Randomize
