just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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