Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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