I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Randomize
