you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
me + whiskey = a bad person
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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