I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Randomize
