My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I AM VODKA MAN
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Randomize
