im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
