i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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