Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize
