The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
