My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
