New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
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