Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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