I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
