mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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