8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
