Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
