If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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