he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
it's great music for shaving your balls
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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