It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
