bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
