im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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