I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Randomize
