I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
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Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
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IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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