Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
