I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Randomize
