At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
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i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
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but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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