if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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