Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
