I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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