You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
