ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Randomize
