He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
