those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
