every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
