he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
