I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
