I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
