I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
