I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
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