People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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