Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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